i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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