plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My vagina is very pro this idea
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