mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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