Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
