It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
