I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
