Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
birth control should be required to get into college
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
