White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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