As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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