You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
