I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She bit a glass in half.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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