I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
