My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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