um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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