i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Found the puke drawer
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
