Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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