dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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