How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
