dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize