God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The ass gains better be worth it
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