Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
