Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
