Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
