My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
