Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
