Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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