They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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