There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
