The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
