just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
