so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
