sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
