FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
