I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The power of my boobs compel you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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