Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just high enough for therapy.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
