Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize