I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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