i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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