dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
