My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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