why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
