This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
