3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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