it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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