and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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