onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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