Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
