Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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