I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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