The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
