Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
