last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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