You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
