3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
