The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
