I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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