My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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