Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
