Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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