she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
