her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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