Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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