Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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