Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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