just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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